i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
