Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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