I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
