i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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