I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you win again, gameday.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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