i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
worst night to have a conscience
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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