i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
