I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
