how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
