i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
