Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
