I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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