mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
