dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I stole a fireplace last night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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