can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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