Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
