Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
