Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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