Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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