I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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