Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
