the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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