weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
