Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
