A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize