I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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