the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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