It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
