I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
