Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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