I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
