Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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