Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
