Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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