my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ugly people sure do ruin things
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
