he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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