Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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