you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
