and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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