last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Is it because I queefed?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
