My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
