he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
a search helicopter?!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
