i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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