Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
