You can't motorboat a personality
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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