I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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