It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize