and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
