I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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