so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
