I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
