The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wish i was in the wii world.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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