Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
