this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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