so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
