Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
