I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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