we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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